What Not to Say to a Cherokee My spirit animal is the giraffe

Hey, great to meet you! You’re Cherokee? OMG So am I!

No, I’m not enrolled in the tribe. Is that like being coroneted?

I know I’m Cherokee because ten years ago at Thanksgiving dinner my Aunt Sissy said that Grandma Eileen was a full-blooded Cherokee and her father Gus was a medicine man. Or maybe she said he was a chief. I think she said they were Cherokee, but maybe she said Apache. I was sixteen and high at the time and don’t reallyly remember. Anyway, she said that Grandma Eileen had long hair and liked to go barefoot. It’s funny that my mother didn’t know she washeras naviuntil she overheard our conversation.

Mom has blond hair and when she was younger looked like Renee Zellweger. My aunt could double for Jennifer Coolidge. I think I look more like Taylor Swift, don’t you? I mean, check out these cheekbones. Like curved scimitars, am I right? And I tan real easy.

Did you hear that Edward Norton is related to Pocahontas? I think she was a Cherokee, too.

Yes, I did receive a minority scholarship. All I had to do was check the Native American box and the university paid for my degree in social work. Now here I am. The new Director of Minority Affairs.

I’ve seen Dances with Wolves a million times! I love Wind-in-his-Hair. What a hunk! If I could go back in time that’s the place I’d want to be. It would be cool to camp in a tipi. But I’m vegan and wouldn’t eat buffalo.

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What a great life they have on the reservation. Beautiful scenery, surrounded by animals, they ride around on horses all day, and nobody bothers them.

I have a super big dream-catcher on the wall behind my bed.

My clan? You mean, like, a cave bear?

My family went to Monument Valley when I was a kid. Those Cherokee women out there have beautiful skin and hair.

My spirit animal is the giraffe.

My mother’s Cherokee family was from Detroit. Or maybe they were Apache. I still don’t know. Does it matter?

No, I don’t speak Cherokee and I’ve never been to Oklahoma or North Carolina. Why would I want to go to Oklahoma? Isn’t that like, a dust bowl?

Oh, sorry you have to go. What did you say? Pretendian? Is that a tribe? Hmmm. Maybe that’s who Aunt Sissy said we are.

We should get together and powwow about new movies over some traditional Indian food. I LOVE tandoori.

Devon Mihesuah is a bona fide citizen of the Choctaw Nation of Oklahoma and the Cora Lee Beers Price Professor at the University of Kansas. She mainly writes non-fiction, but finds that stressful so for relief she creates sarcastic pieces and horror stories. See more at