This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, especially since the plane has an engine failure.

Photo by Kenny Eliason via Upsplash Good afternoon! This is Michelle, your flight attendant with a very brief announcement. Apologies for the interruption at a time when it looks like many of you passengers were at a pivotal moment in one of our inflight entertainment options or had just fallen asleep. On behalf of this flight crew, we know you have many choices in airlines and we want to thank you for choosing us for your travel needs.

To show our appreciation, we have an exciting credit card offer that we are only offering passengers on this flight. Sign up for our credit card and you’ll get 1,000,000 bonus miles on top of other amazing benefits like preferred boarding, a free checked bag and access to our airport lounge where you can look forward to a buffet of room temperature clam chowder and unlimited cheese squares. This spectacular promotion is only available now, on this flight only!

Whoa — that is a lot of turbulence! As I was saying, what will you do with those gazillion bonus miles? Well, I used to announce in these pitches that passengers who sign up get two free first class tickets to Hawaii — aloha! But in exciting news, we’ve recently changed our miles system so now you’ll be able to book one free main cabin flight to Fresno, California, where you can enjoy ghost-themed mini golf and Color Me Mine.

Jesus Christ this is a bumpy patch of air we are hitting! But don’t you worry. I can still stumble through the aisle with pens and applications. Please keep your seatbelts secure so you don’t miss out on this exclusive promotion. To take advantage of this incredible inflight-only offer, all you need to do is pay the yearly fee of ninety-nine dollars and make any purchase at all within the first ninety days of opening your accou — dear god, what is happening in the skies? Anyways, the credit card! You can literally buy anything from your local bodega. It can be as small as a pack of gum or a lottery ticket to hopefully win big so you can pay off the exorbitant interest fees on this card.

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You may have noticed that your oxygen masks were just released from the compartment above you due to the sudden loss of cabin pressure. Please remember to place the mask firmly over your nose and mouth before helping a child. Unfortunately at this time, minors are unable to sign up for a credit card.

I’ll be walking around to assist any of you struggling to secure the elastic band behind your head and pass out pens so you can simultaneously breathe normally while you fill out the application. Although your oxygen mask does not inflate, oxygen is flowing to the mask and you should remain conscious enough to write your name, total annual income, home address, social security number and signature on the bottom line.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, especially since the captain has just informed me that our plane has an engine failure. As a reminder, your seat cushions double as both a personal flotation device and a great surface to write on. Please watch out for all of the bags currently tumbling out of the overhead bins, as I wouldn’t want them to accidentally injure your paper application.

Passengers, I have an update from our captain. He has informed me that he’s got a great shot at pulling off a Sully and making a safe emergency landing, in the middle of Lake Erie. As a bonus offer, we’ll be offering priority boarding on our inflatable life rafts for passengers who have signed up for our credit card. Wow, I see a lot of new hands raised! I’m so happy that you credit cardless fools are now interested in taking advantage of this wonderful inflight promotion.

You’re making the right choice. Aloha! Or as they say in Fresno, hey. I’ll topple through the aisle one last time.

Laura Lane is a journalist, comedy writer and former podcaster of the popular This Is Why You’re Single podcast, which was adapted from her first book and was optioned for television by the Pop Network (she co-wrote the pilot). Her most recent book, “Cinderella and the Glass Ceiling” is currently being developed for television. She’s written for The New Yorker, Rolling Stone, San Francisco Chronicle, Esquire, Vanity Fair, People, Cosmopolitan, The Washington Post, McSweeney’s and was a former columnist for ESPN and an editor for Life & Style and In Touch Weekly.

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